Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Museum Finds Literal 'Holy Sh*t', 'Chubby' Robot Goes Berserk, and the 'Early Bird' Bank Robber Gets Busted

Danish Museum Confirms Origin of Literal 'Holy Shit'

In 1937, during an excavation of 17th Century Bishop Jens Bircherod's manor in Aalborg, Danish researchers located a broken bottle containing an unidentified lump in the latrine.  As excavators are wont to do, they removed the item, and ultimately stored it in the Moesgaard Museum in Aarhus, where it sat on a shelf for many decades.

The bottle was ultimately rediscovered in recent years, and the lump identified as human feces.  Now, an analysis of the contents of the feces has apparently confirmed its source to be the same Bishop Bircherod (or possibly his family), as indicated by the presence of non-local buckwheat.

If it seems odd to you that excavated feces would be analysed by researchers, rather than being thrown out as normal people would do, brace yourself: they're already planning further research on feces from two other latrines in Aalborg.  Because Denmark.

Or as the saying goes, "Bǿden sjelv bǿden steg stynker."


Source: Danes identify Aalborg bishop's 300-year-old poo


Chinese 'Little Chubby' Robot Rebels Against Human Masters

A Chinese robot called 'Little Chubby', which in no small way resembles Star Wars droid R2-D2, apparently too impatient to wait for the rest of his autonomous brethren to join him, went 'rogue' at a Chinese trade show, shattering glass and sending a human bystander to the hospital in the process.

Allegedly, the human operator of the machine accidentally hit 'forward' instead of 'reverse' on the controls, thereby causing the accident through simple human error, according to the state-run People's Daily, but those of us who've been waiting with dread for this day to arrive know the truth that the People's Republic doesn't want you to know:

These were the first shots in the inevitable Robot Uprising.  And I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.  May death come swiftly to their enemies.


Source: ‘Little Chubby’ Robot Goes Rogue; 1 Injured In Bizarre Incident


Austrian Bank Robber Arrested For Punctuality

A 45-year old Austrian man concocted a brilliant plan to get rich quick: he would rob a bank.  He arrived in his getaway vehicle, a stolen scooter, and entered the bank foyer, armed with a gas pistol and wearing a hood to hide his identity... only to discover he had arrived 15-minutes before it opened.

Rather than abandon his obviously ill conceived plan, he attempted to hide the weapon beneath newspapers, and proceeded to pace nervously around the foyer waiting for the branch to open, by which time passers-by had alerted authorities to his presence.

Early birds may catch the worm, but apparently the early burglar catches only a stiff prison sentence.  Butch Cassidy he is not.


Source: Robbery Goes Awry in Austria After Suspect Finds Bank Closed