Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Man Tried To Literally Steal WiFi, Slimy Slugs Sabotage Street Lamps, and Actress Sued By Own Embryos

Iowa Burglar Arrested Trying To Steal WiFi Password

27-year-old Christopher Cummings of Iowa City really, really wanted to use his neighbor's WiFi.  So, when she refused to give him the password, he resorted to the next most obvious solution.  No, he didn't work hard, save money, and buy his own internet data, that would just be silly.

Instead, he broke into her home and attempted to steal the password, naturally.  Unfortunately, he proved as skilled a burglar as a hacker, and was caught and arrested for third degree burglary.

Perhaps a stint in the Big House will remind him that a trip to the local Starbucks would be a far simpler solution to getting online.

Redditch Slugs Leave Citizens In the Dark

Some residents of Redditch, England were plunged into darkness when local area slugs crowded so densely into lamp posts in Hunt End that they short circuited their makeshift homes.

Worse yet, repairmen from Western Power seemed in no particular hurry to fix the problem, stating it could be up to 20-days for repair... until a local resident called into the BBC Radio Hereford and Worcester to complain that children from a local school were being forced to walk home in the dark.

Engineers arrived at the site of the short circuit at 8:15 AM on a Saturday morning, and the lights were up and functioning in less than 2-hours.  Amazing how a bit of media exposure makes repair jobs happen so much faster, isn't it?

Sofia Vergara Sued By Her Frozen Embryos

Modern Family star Sogia Vergara is living a story too strange even for her own show, as her ex husband, Nick Loeb, has filed a lawsuit in Louisiana 'on behalf' of her two frozen embryos (which he fertilized), apparently already named 'Emma' and 'Isabella' (because this story wasn't creepy enough without naming the embryos, I guess).

Loeb, who feels he has twice been 'denied the right' to be a father by ex's who had abortions, is suing over a trust set up for the future children, despite the small complication of them not being gestated.  While the two did sign a contract, it specified that “neither party could use the embryos without the consent of the other”, an agreement which at present has not been violated.

Nor is this a new development.  Loeb previously filed suit in California, but the 'Left Coast' evidently wasn't too friendly to his desire to collect trust money on cryopreserved non-entities... you know, typical Liberal Agenda 'Pro Choice-Whether-Or-Not-To-Gestate' stuff.  So, as one will do in such situations, he's trying his luck in Red America, instead.

Hey, Donald Trump got elected, so weirder things have happened... maybe.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Museum Finds Literal 'Holy Sh*t', 'Chubby' Robot Goes Berserk, and the 'Early Bird' Bank Robber Gets Busted

Danish Museum Confirms Origin of Literal 'Holy Shit'

In 1937, during an excavation of 17th Century Bishop Jens Bircherod's manor in Aalborg, Danish researchers located a broken bottle containing an unidentified lump in the latrine.  As excavators are wont to do, they removed the item, and ultimately stored it in the Moesgaard Museum in Aarhus, where it sat on a shelf for many decades.

The bottle was ultimately rediscovered in recent years, and the lump identified as human feces.  Now, an analysis of the contents of the feces has apparently confirmed its source to be the same Bishop Bircherod (or possibly his family), as indicated by the presence of non-local buckwheat.

If it seems odd to you that excavated feces would be analysed by researchers, rather than being thrown out as normal people would do, brace yourself: they're already planning further research on feces from two other latrines in Aalborg.  Because Denmark.

Or as the saying goes, "Bǿden sjelv bǿden steg stynker."

Source: Danes identify Aalborg bishop's 300-year-old poo

Chinese 'Little Chubby' Robot Rebels Against Human Masters

A Chinese robot called 'Little Chubby', which in no small way resembles Star Wars droid R2-D2, apparently too impatient to wait for the rest of his autonomous brethren to join him, went 'rogue' at a Chinese trade show, shattering glass and sending a human bystander to the hospital in the process.

Allegedly, the human operator of the machine accidentally hit 'forward' instead of 'reverse' on the controls, thereby causing the accident through simple human error, according to the state-run People's Daily, but those of us who've been waiting with dread for this day to arrive know the truth that the People's Republic doesn't want you to know:

These were the first shots in the inevitable Robot Uprising.  And I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.  May death come swiftly to their enemies.

Source: ‘Little Chubby’ Robot Goes Rogue; 1 Injured In Bizarre Incident

Austrian Bank Robber Arrested For Punctuality

A 45-year old Austrian man concocted a brilliant plan to get rich quick: he would rob a bank.  He arrived in his getaway vehicle, a stolen scooter, and entered the bank foyer, armed with a gas pistol and wearing a hood to hide his identity... only to discover he had arrived 15-minutes before it opened.

Rather than abandon his obviously ill conceived plan, he attempted to hide the weapon beneath newspapers, and proceeded to pace nervously around the foyer waiting for the branch to open, by which time passers-by had alerted authorities to his presence.

Early birds may catch the worm, but apparently the early burglar catches only a stiff prison sentence.  Butch Cassidy he is not.

Source: Robbery Goes Awry in Austria After Suspect Finds Bank Closed

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Of Mountain Hills, Zombie Dicks, and Hitler Houses

The English Software That Went Up A Hill But Came Down A Mountain

Calf Top 'Hill' in the Yorkshire Dales, England has been officially reclassified as a Mountain, after an Ordnance Survey showed it to be 609.602m tall, where previously it was believed to be 609.580m tall, a little shy of the 609.600m threshold for mountains.

Ironically, Calf Top's upgrade came courtesy of an upgrade to their Ordnance Survey Mapping Software.  Think about that the next time you call that Windows Update Notification 'annoying'.

Source: English hill reclassified as a mountain as it was just 2cm taller than previously thought

Canadian Traffic Signs Warn Of NSFW Zombies

A hacked traffic sign in Ottawa, Canada helpfully warned drivers of, "ZOMBIE DICKS AHEAD!"  To be sure, Zombie Dicks are something no one wants to drive past on their way to work while sipping their morning coffee, so perhaps we should be thanking them for the heads up.

While the message turned out to be a false alarm in this case, it should be reassuring to know that survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse will be kept fully informed of any undead genital sightings happening in their proximity.

Source: Hacked Traffic Sign Has Hilariously NSFW Warning For Motorists In Canada

'Hitler House' Up For Rent

A Swansea, Wales house that went viral in the headlines three years ago for its apparent resemblance to Adolf Hitler is up for rent.  The 'house' is actually a two-story flat, and the lower flat is the one on the market.

The owner refuses to charge more than market value for the house, which is perhaps unsurprising given the high negatives attached to the leader of the Third Reich.

For those with the Pure Strength of Will to claim it, this pareidolic abode will set you back for a going rate of £85 per week.

Source: Now YOU can live in famous 'Hitler house' which went viral for uncanny resemblance to Nazi dictator

From Google+

Welcome To That Headline, Though!

Welcome to That Headline, Though, an online source for the weirdest, most hilarious, most ironic, and most head-scratching news headlines from around the world.

Reality is stranger than fiction, and nothing proves it more than real life headlines like Diner suffers cardiac arrest while eating a Triple Bypass Burger in restaurant called the Heart Attack GrillRepublican Lawmaker Fakes His Own Gay Sex Scandal To Hide Real Sex Scandal, Fails, and German man dies after blowing up condom machine.

That Headline, Though is a glorious celebration of the rich tapestry of the world's most colorful and eccentric news and news headlines, meant purely to entertain and, at times, challenge the reader to see the weirder and wilder side of life on the third rock from the sun.

"If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'" - Lyndon B. Johnson